Half of the year is over! When I made this blog I promised myself I would NEVER miss a monthly wrap up. I am bad with commitment so they never end up being posted til it’s pretty much midway through the next month, but nevertheless… I kept my promise to myself for a whole half-a-year, so that deserves some celebration, right?
I started the month by attending the International Whore’s Day March in Los Angeles.
“Now is the time to show your support for sex workers because in the wake of SESTA and other legislation passed designed to target sex workers and our civil rights, every day something else is being ripped away: Our marketing platforms, our Instagram accounts, websites and recently the hashtags we use like a bat signal to flag each other down in order to mobilize…” Antonia Crane
I realized last month after Catalyst Con how I rarely attend Los Angeles events, so once again it was nice to connect with my own community. I was surprised at the number of people who showed up, I guess I was expecting more to come out and care about this. I left feeling inspired and like we have so much to do, so much to fight for. I wore my red PROUD SLUT shirt because I didn’t have time to order one that said PROUD WHORE (must remember that for next year!).
The Dreaded Day
June 16 was 12 years since my Mother’s murder. I always get really upset and triggered every June, but this year was extra heartbreaking due to some other personal relationships ending at about the same time. I think some of my grief was put on hold for a few weeks as I dealt with the other stuff, but I definitely felt the weight of this day, and still do in many ways.
I think I’ve said on my blog before how all together, my life is a lot easier than previous years since witnessing her murder/surviving my attempted murder. But the bad days are much worse…just less frequent now, I suppose. The bad days now consist of level-10-off-the-charts-crying, can’t get out of bed. Anger. Frustration. Before, it would be a more mild depression for weeks at a time. I’m not sure which one is worse, but I will say that therapy has been a lifesaver. I’ve never looked forward to seeing my therapist as much as I did this month.
At the beginning of the month, I was masturbating every day, I was having fun on cam, I felt flirty and sexy. By the end of the month, and even now, I have little desire to do anything remotely sexual. This happens as my mental health changes. My last blog post touched a bit on feeling like a bad slut, and I still do, even more now.
Aside from that, holy shit, I need to learn how to store these toys better. About 7 months ago I barely had any sex toys and not a care in the world to learn about them, now my collection keeps growing, and I am not horny enough to get through them fast enough. If you have any tips or tricks on how you store them and all the chargers, please let me know!
I still feel a bit lost after so many changes in my life. I used to be the girl who podcasted and blogged about EVERYTHING, and now I find myself very guarded and unable to find my voice again. I’m not podcasting anymore, I don’t even feel like writing. I’m not able to go into the details of the things that I’ve been going through. I know it will pass, but it has been such a rough time for me. My blog has suffered, even sitting down to write this has me feeling exhausted.
I haven’t been camming. As soon as I started getting into such a great routine with my Patreon I got suspended because I was flagged for masturbation and porn. My whole account got put on hold right before the first payout that would have covered my entire rent. It was pretty devastating, and while it’s back now, the amount I am charging and making went down a lot due to the restrictions I will have to follow. I know many other sex workers have it a lot worse, so I try to feel grateful and just keep chugging along, but it’s very hard when you know you can be deleted entirely from pretty much all platforms at any time, or that they can just refuse to pay you.
I hesitate to share these gloomy things with you. I wish I had the “BUT NOW I’M BACK AND ALL BETTER!” part of this story, but I don’t yet. Maybe next month! I guess ‘my brand’ is telling it all- or as much as I can. The good, the bad, and the ugly! And of course, I made a new site for the more explicit content that I can no longer put on patreon. I debated deleting my patreon all together but decided against it since it has the option for a few dollars a month and up, so those who can’t afford $10+ can still join. We’ll see what happens as time goes on! Til next time <3
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