I had to come to terms with my past. The things I did in my blackout years. The disrespect and disregard I had for myself, my body, and my life.
Learning to forgive myself took a huge burden off of me. A weight lifted from my shoulders.
I realized that I’ve always done the best I could in the circumstances I’d been given. I’m happy now that I survived.
What finally woke me up was my divorce. I realized life was short and I didn’t want to spend it feeling so out of control and unhappy with my life.
I have heard that 27 is an important year for development and healing. The return of saturn. I can’t explain it, I woke up one day while married and knew the right thing to do would be divorce. It was so hard. The hardest thing I’ve ever done, besides survive that horrible night, of course. I wanted a restart on my life and felt that I could finally have one. Soon, I also outgrew my career as a preschool teacher. I outgrew everything in my life. I was done pretending I was something that I’m not, and with that comes a huge shift in what you tolerate around you and in your life.
I was tired of being an empty shell of a person.
One day scrolling facebook while living at my cousin Alison’s, I came across someone named Danielle LaPorte. She had these motivational videos that inspired me so much. About getting unstuck and following your desires. I ordered a planner from her that was all about getting in touch with your desires. It was hard for me to access what I desired after so long of being in toxic relationships and environments. It seemed that all my energy went to dealing with the struggles that came with that. No time left to focus on what was going on inside me, my passions, or what my heart wanted.
It was a very awkward start.
To wake up, alone, and realize I was in control of my life. To look in the mirror and learn to love myself instead of hate what I saw. I wish there was one fool proof method, that one could do easily and quickly. But there isn’t. It was a lot of faking it til I made it.
I felt like I had lived many lives at this point. Survivor of attempted murder, preschool teacher, married woman, church goer, born again Christian, Lesbian… and felt like my friends and family judged me for how many relationships I’d been in. I’d jump into them so quick. I guess part of me was a hopeless romantic. I was a love junkie. I wanted any attention and love I can get to try to fill the void of my mom’s loss and the life I used to know. I allowed myself to have that, it’s okay to not want to be alone.
I had to forgive myself for all of that, and let go of what people thought about me. I had to learn to be on my own team again. It was so damn hard. I wanted to give up so many times.
I spent those 6 months alone in my bedroom drinking wine and watching the L word. Taking photos of myself in lingerie, journaling, and trying to figure out my life. I’m not exaggerating when I say that those selfies and photos of myself changed my life. This is why I’m so pro-selfie now. Seeing myself through the Iphone lens, and documenting my life through all these crazy ups and downs, has been immensely healing.
While I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, what I’d been through in my blackout years and my relationships & marriage, I learned to accept the gifts it had given me. And move the fuck on.
Getting unstuck is hard. But I would definitely recommend it.