Coming out is a lifetime process. You don’t get to do it just once.
It must have been the end of September that I learned of National Coming Out Day on October 11th. Since I was wanting to come out, I figured that would be a perfect day to do it. I was so scared. My family is pretty conservative. I didn’t know anyone who was gay until I met my new friend, and never got to see the way my family would act around a gay person.
“Your queerness is valid if you’re out or not.”
Then, it was time to come out to my mom. I had to do it, for myself. I went to the grocery store before going to her grave and they happened to have a little balloon with a rainbow on it. I wrote with a sharpie, “I’m gay!”. I went to her gravestone and told her. Then I set the balloon on top of it in her flower holder. It was a very sweet, special moment. I knew I had her acceptance and love inside of me, but I needed the physical act of going down there and “telling” her.
I walked into 2020 like an innocent, angel baby. I had no idea what was in store for me this year, I mean really, who did? 2019 was a huge year of transformation, and I can’t say 2020 was any different.
In January of 2020 my partner had just got out of sober living and moved in with me. We were living at a friends house. Couch surfing, if I’m being honest. Me, my partner, and our dog. It was a lovely experience though. One can only live on a couch so long before it gets tiring for everyone involved, so we made our move to a tiny studio apartment in February.
This was a glorious move for me. I absolutely LOVE Long Beach, California. I was pretty much born and raised there. We lived downtown, so walking distance to everything. It was also right near where pride WOULD have been had it not been for Covid.
We made so many memories in our little apartment. It was our first home together, and where we we got quarantined together when the pandemic hit. We had about a month of walking everywhere and going to fun, fancy bars and shops in the area before that happened. Then, it was nothing but staying home and trying to find some damn toilet paper at Vons. But I don’t have to tell you that. You already know!
We planned to move to my partners home town of Baltimore, MD in December of 2020. But in May, her mother suddenly passed away. It was absolutely heartbreaking. We had sent her a Mother’s Day gift in the mail that she never got to open. As you probably know since I’m always talking about it, my mom passed away in 2006. So I’m no stranger to parent grief, and it was devastating to watch my partner and her family go through such a loss. When we got to her hometown for the funeral we opened up the box we had sent and placed some of the items in her room. It was bittersweet. I can’t say that in helping deal with her mother’s passing, some of my own grief was stirred up as well. It was a very tough time.
We knew then that we had to move to be with her family sooner.
I sold my car, which was a huge deal for me! We started downsizing and getting ready to pack all of our stuff up into her Chevy Impala, plus our dog, and two cats that my ex gave back to me during the pandemic! I was beyond stressed at the thought of driving across country. But I knew we were making the right decision.
I’ve never lived anywhere else other than Southern California. It was sad to say goodbye. I had a very hard time with moving so far away from my mom’s grave. I’ve asked a few friends if they will go visit her for me.
We made it to Maryland in about a week. We stopped and stayed at many hotels, which I adored. There is something so lovely about a good hotel. I took pictures and documented our journey on my Patreon. The cats were a nightmare, as you could imagine. They screamed the whole time we drove. The dog was pretty easy but hated getting out at rest stops. The trip went pretty smoothly, except one of the cats shit in her cage the last 45 minutes of our drive. Oh well, if that’s the worst thing that happened, I’ll take it!
Since our move things have seemed to slow down a bit for me. We’re not paying $1,300 rent for basically one room anymore, so that has freed up a lot of worry on my end. I’ve had more time to create and reflect on what I want to do with myself. I’m still a personal assistant and social media specialist, but I also want to keep growing my brand and have been spending so much time trying to figure out how I will accomplish that.
In November I participated in #NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month). The goal was 50k words in the month of November. I only got to 15k before I quit, but I’m still very proud of myself. I began writing my memoir which will be about my attempted murder and my mother’s murder. The title I have so far is “Remembering Me”. I planned to have it out in June of 2021 (laughs hysterically). I had no idea just how much work it would be, I’ve been taking courses on memoir writing and self publishing.. and let’s just say, it will not be out in June of 2021. Maybe June of 2022… and that’s still a big MAYBEEEE.
I hadn’t anticipated just how much my ptsd would be triggered by writing this damn thing. Thankfully, I’m still on my meds for bipolar, depression and anxiety. My psychiatrist gets major props because that’s been the only way I’ve been able to get through this. One of my goals for 2021 is to get back to therapy, which I know will help so much as well.
So that leads me to here, where I am now. I’ve been slowly but surely working on my Youtube channel. During #NaNoWriMo I did several writing and productivity sprints (live writing streams) on my channel. It was so much fun, something that really helped me get my ass in gear to write. I decided that I would carry that over into the new year, and maybe do some sprints once a week to work on this here blog.
I do love writing, I just have a terrible time sitting down to do so. Patreon gets the bulk of my efforts. But I have decided to commit to one blog post a week here, two on patreon, one youtube video a week, a monthly newsletter, and more time on my own social media channels. Whew. A lot of work, but I think I can handle it.
I’m excited to be blogging again. I plan to make this a queer lifestyle blog. I know, everyone says to niche down, but I am still all over the place about it. Maybe as the year progresses I’ll be able to narrow it down a bit. As always, if you have anything you want to see here, just let me know! I love taking suggestions. Don’t forget you can join my patreon for just $1 a month.
Here’s to getting so much done in 2021! Cheers, queers!
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My morning rituals calm me, bring me into the now, and keep me connected to my own magick.
I enter a different state of consciousness during these rituals that helps sustain me throughout my day.
I am reminded of the sacredness of life and the present moment.
Today, I put my aunt’s ashes and her photo on my altar to feel connected to her. She died way too soon, in her 40’s, as so many of my family members have passed away young. I miss them all and find healing in having them around me.
I might do some tarot or oracle cards during the process on some days. I think I will right after this.
read full post here: HiMeganAshley.com
If you’ve ever been on any of my patreons in the last 5 years, you’ve seen plenty of love letters to the car. And this time is no different.
I get massive anxiety being in a moving vehicle,
but love being in a parked car alone.
It all goes back to PTSD.
Once someone broke into my home in the middle of the night and attacked me and killed my mom, all sense of safety in the home went out the window.
I used to go to these support group meetings for victims of homicide survivors, and there I met people who truly got me.
I met people who thought living in their car was easier than living in a house.
It makes total sense to me, although I’ve never done that-
I’ve thought about it.
I’ve also thought about sleeping in my car, and have done so during the daylight hours many times.
read post here: HiMeganAshley.com